backyardbbq | SAD FAMILY

SAD FAMILY

[So much had happened in the last few months that Rin barely had time to stop and breathe. Things just kept piling up and up, and every time he thought he had solved one problem, a dozen more took its place. He wasn't going to give up, of course, that would mean a painful and pointless death for him. No, he fully intended on moving forward, on becoming and exorcist and kicking Satan's ass for messing with his family.

It's just that, until now, he hadn't had the time to go home.

It was late July, probably a week or so before classes would start again. He had returned from Kyoto with the other exwires (after a short detour to the beach, of course), and now he just had to study and wait for classes to begin again. But would Rin study in that week of free time he had?

No, of course not. Instead, he decided to take a train ride down to a little neighborhood, and to visit a certain grave in a certain graveyard located near a certain church.]

Hey, Old Man...

[But what could he even say? 'Long time no see?' It wasn't that he hadn't thought about Shiro in those few months since his death, he just hadn't had time to actually come down and see him. Or his grave marker, at least.]

Guess I missed your birthday, huh. Not that you'd be able to eat a cake right now anyway.

...

I guess I could give it to the other old man.

[He would have to make sure not to forget Stein's birthday this year. Speaking of which, he wondered if he should go to the church itself and say hello. He hadn't even thought to call home in all of those months. It was probably very selfish of him, to leave Stein alone like that. After all, Rin had Yukio, so he wasn't alone. But who did Stein have now?

Rin glanced over at the church, looking for any signs that someone might be home. If it looked like Stein was there, then he would go over. If not, then he would just stay there at the grave until it got late.]

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[Stein hasn't really been to the church either. It was always more Shiro's home than his, and he couldn't bear to go back to that familiar building now that the only people still living there looked at him with distrust.

But he still visits Shiro's grave. He can't drag himself away from this town, this country, this cemetery and this single spot of dirt. It had always been so easy before. He could go anywhere, stay away for years, make every possible mistake, and still come back home.

But he's stuck, not just by the loss of the only person who'd been able to keep the higher-ups off his back and cover over the worst of his messes, but by something nameless and nebulous that drags him through the same pointless routine every day. He's under investigation, every action and assignment and experiment for the past forty years being picked apart and reviewed now that Shiro isn't there to smooth things over. Rin has a death sentence hanging over his head and he hasn't seen the boy in months. He sees Yukio sometimes, brief moments of passing in hallways and infrequent acknowledgements that have been growing more and more formal. He needs to do something else, needs to shake himself out of this haze and make some kind of real progress. Shiro would have.

But he's just--

Everything is--

There's a figure crouched by Shiro's grave, and it takes him a moment to realize that that's Rin.]

Rin. [He says, as he walks up behind the boy (Shiro's son, their son, but the boys had always felt more like Shiro's than his, he's a man with so much blood on his hands).

He should say something else. He should be able to dredge up the appropriate words and put on an appropriately welcoming and reassuring smile (he'd done it before, come back and found the man dead and his sons in so much trouble and said comforting things like "if anyone can defeat Satan, it's you") but instead he just stands there, tall and awkward and looking down at one of the children he and Shiro had raised together.]

[Rin's attention is drawn away from the church, away from the home he had known his whole life, and over to the other man who had made it a home. Stein may not have lived there with them, but he was as much a part of the family as any of them were. It wasn't a conventional family by any means, but it was his family, and that was enough for him.

But now he couldn't even find the words to say 'hi' to the father figure he hadn't seen in months, not since that rainy day in April when he had been forced to make a life-changing decision that might still turn out to have been the wrong decision.

He stops, and breathes in a shaky breath, trying to calm that tightening in his gut. Stein was here, right now, living proof that three lives had been destroyed as a result of his carelessness with his words. Rin had already fought with Yukio about it, and somehow they had come to an understanding, but he and Stein hadn't really talked about what had happened that night. Not beyond 'Satan possessed Shiro' and 'he died.'

Rin wanted to hug Stein, he really could have used that right about then. But at the same time, he felt like he didn't deserve it. This was all his fault, and Stein still didn't know. Or, at least Rin didn't think that Stein knew. Maybe Yukio had told him, or maybe even Mephisto at some point. But Stein deserved more than second-hand information. And Rin couldn't ask anything of Stein until he gave the man that.]

Da- Stei-

[Rin choked on his words for a second, half-starting sentences before the words suddenly died in his throat. His face felt hot, though tears weren't coming quite yet. No, he had to hold it together. He couldn't fall apart now.]

...hi.

[He knows Rin wants a hug. Rin's always been volatile, physical, the sort of person who needs a steady hand on the shoulder more than a reassuring word. All Stein has to do is take one step forward.

But there must have been an argument that day, a fight, something bullheaded and stupid enough that the yelling put a crack in Shiro's armor. A petty argument that left the paladin dead and the world on a crash course to the apocalypse.

Rin stumbles over Stein's name, and Stein's breath catches in his throat. If he'd been a better man, a better father, someone utterly unlike him, maybe he could have avoided this. If Shiro wasn't so stubborn, if Rin didn't get into so many fights, if Yuri had never--- if, if, if.

He should step forward. But he doesn't, and his hands stay in loose fists at his sides.]

It's been a while, Rin. How are your classes going? [Deflection. Avoidance. A wound too open and too raw and he can't bring himself to cut into it.

Yukio's good at this too. ]

[Well of course Yukio is good at it, where do you think he learned it from?

Unfortunately, Rin takes after Shiro. He's got a very short patience for pleasantries and dodging around the very large and painful elephant in the room. He'll give an answer, but it's short and probably not what Stein is looking for.]

Good, I guess. I haven't flunked out yet.

[Rin was always the one to doubt himself when it came to school, after all.

For a moment there, one of his hands starts to go up, like he's reaching out to Stein. He absolutely is, he wants to close that gap so badly, to hang onto the only father he has left in the world right now, but he can't. Not until they talk about this. Because Stein might decide that he doesn't want to be his father anymore, and Rin doesn't want to hold onto that 'maybe' if he's going to be left alone like that anyway.

So his hand quickly moves back to his side, and then both hands clench into fists. Rin is looking away, back down to Shiro's grave, anywhere but at Stein's face.]

Dad's dead.

[In the past it had sometimes been confusing, once the boys were old enough that 'papa Stein' and 'papa Shiro' were too childish to keep using. Such is the problem in families with two parents of the same gender. But in this case, it's perfectly clear which dad Rin is talking about.]

Good. [He says, a poor answer to such a negative outlook on school, but he can't trust himself to try and say anything more. His voice sounds choked and strange and he doesn't make eye contact with Rin, gaze fixed just slightly away from the boy's eyes.

And then Rin's blunt statement knocks the wind out of him, obviously true and obviously a reality that everyone is still struggling to come to terms with.

Shiro's dead, but Stein has a lifetime of memories of when he was alive, children hissing arguments from neighboring desks, teenage boys fumbling their way through kisses that tasted like stolen cigarettes, young men confident that they'd change the world, grown men doing what they could within the confines of reality's boundaries, quiet moments and sharp words and kitchen counters and rain on windows and growing old together like some sort of happy ending. Stein has a lifetime of things that only Shiro had experienced with him, jokes and references and pet peeves and three am sushi and three am crying babies. There was no one else there, no one else who could remember for them.

Shiro is dead and Stein is not and he sucks in a breath of air as Rin stares at the grave stone.]

I know.

[Of course Stein knew, he had to know. He wouldn't have shown up at this exact grave in this particular graveyard if he didn't already know. Rin feels foolish, stating the obvious like he had.

But Stein doesn't really know, not yet. And Rin has to tell him. He has to hold it together long enough to tell him.]

Dad's dead. He's dead and gone and I-

[Rin's fists are clenched so tightly that his nails are starting to dig into his palms. A few months ago, that wouldn't have been a problem. He would have had a few crescent-shaped marks there for a couple days and nothing more. Now, though, it's enough to draw blood.

It might have healed quickly, if he just relaxed his hands and let his accelerated healing do the trick, but he couldn't. Those pinpricks of pain are pretty much the only thing keeping Rin's voice steady right now. Pain keeps him focused, who would have thought?]

He- he was sending me away. He said I was Satan's son, and that it wasn't safe anymore, and he was sending me away-

[A sob catches in his throat, and he has to take a moment to just breathe. He's not done yet, he has to hold it together a little bit longer.

He just hopes Stein is still listening, because he can't bring himself to lift his head and actually look at the man.]

[Shiro had always been terrible at explaining things, with a tendency to say things curtly out of frustration and expect everyone to accept without questions. He'd gotten better at it, but not enough better, not enough to avoid setting Rin off at a moment where everyone needed to stay calm.

He can't blame Rin for that. He can't, but he doesn't move. Rin's choked sob should hurt, should galvanize him into action, should result in something other than just another layer of ache. He should pull the boy (Shiro's son, their son) close and let him cry and say something like "it's all right, you don't need to explain".]

[The silence is the worst part, to be honest. Rin can handle people being mad at him, people are always mad at him. He can handle being told that he messed up, that everything is his fault, that he should just go away and not be a bother anymore. He practically expects it from Stein, even. Stein and Shiro hadn't been legally married- Rin didn't know if it was because of the current Japanese laws, or if the two men just didn't want to be tied together like that, or what- but they might as well have been husbands, what with how they acted around each other. Shiro had been Stein's long before he had been Rin's father, and Stein has every reason to be upset with him. To hate him.

But to hear nothing at all, it's too much.

Suddenly Rin's hands are rushing forward, grabbing for Stein's shirt to pull him down a little, to get some kind of reaction, anything. Rin's eyes are on Stein's face, watching him, but his vision is starting to get a little blurry.]

Don't you get it? It's my fault! He's dead because of me! All because I didn't listen to him, because I- b-because I-

[He can't see anymore, and he has to squeeze his eyes shut and tilt his head down to keep the tears from running down his cheeks. Instead they just drip down to the pavement between them.

He keeps speaking, but his voice is cracking as he forces the words out.]

I-I thought he was done being a dad. That he was giving up on me. That I'd done too much bad shit and it was too much for him to deal with anymore.

"Don't call yourself my father ever again." That's- that's the last thing I ever said to him.

[That's the crack that had let Satan worm his way into Shiro's mind. And that's the one thing Rin will never, ever be able to apologize for.]

[He's tugged down, brought nearly to Rin's level by clutching hands that tear holes in his shirt and smear blood across the fabric.

Because I--

Because Rin. Because Rin.

He has nothing for Rin, nothing at all until he hears what Rin said, what it took to break through all of Shiro's years of defenses and hurt enough to break him down. The sort of thing that hurt enough to kill.]

What did he say to that? [He needs to know the answer. He doesn't know if he wants to know the answer.

He's angry, angry at Rin for saying something like that, at Shiro for pushing Rin to that point, at Satan for taking advantage of Shiro's weakness.[

He- he didn't say anything. He slapped me.

[Rin definitely deserved it. He definitely deserved much more than that, and no amount of beating himself up over it will ever make him feel better.

It would probably be better if Stein hit him. It still wouldn't make anything better, but it's what he deserves.]

Then he started acting all weird and told me to run away.

[And Stein probably knows the rest from there. Shiro got possessed, Satan talked shit for a bit, and Rin ended up awakening his demon side. There's no denying the pointed ears, the sharp teeth, the tail that is drooping behind him even now.]

He fought back, and he stabbed himself so that Satan couldn't get to me. Even after what I'd said...

[Shiro still protected him, to the end.]

[Stein has never struck his children, but he can see why Shiro would have. After everything, all the risk and danger and years of life given for these boys, the idea that Rin could just stand there and still accuse Shiro of giving up sparks a surge of anger that cuts through his exhaustion.]

Of course he did, Rin. [He stabbed himself.

Stein can't believe it, but he can't believe anything else. Of course Shiro would have sacrificed himself for Rin. He takes a breath, rubbing a hand across his eyes and trying to think of what to say next. Shiro was always better at finding words for an emotional situation, and any skill Stein ever had has left him.]

He cares about you--- he cared about you more than anything else in the world.

Yeah, and look how well that turned out.

[The self-berating words are left unsaid, but it's probably very easy to fill in the blanks. Rin blames himself for all of this, and even if he keeps it tucked away hidden from view most of the time it still lurks there in the back of his mind, waiting for the right moment to come out. Moments like now, when he's sure this is the last time he'll talk to Stein, because what he did was so utterly unforgivable that he can't imagine Stein telling him anything else but 'I never want to speak to you again.'

It hurts. It hurts, and it's not going to get better anytime soon.

He finally lets go of Stein's shirt and pulls back, wiping at his face with the back of a hand. It's red and puffy from crying, but now he looks more tired than anything else. He's tired, he's hurting, and he doesn't even know how he can say 'I'm sorry' for all of this. Because sorry doesn't really cut it here.]

I- [He stops and takes a breath to steady himself before trying again.] I'll stay away from here, if that's what you want. I've messed things up already, I don't wanna make it worse.

[Stein tenses, and does not does not slap Rin (he wouldn't, he never would, but the thought is out there now, a possibility because if Shiro hit the boy out of frustration then why does he think he never would?) and his hand shakes as he drops it heavily onto Rin's shoulder.]

Rin. [His voice doesn't shake, his voice is level and solid and his eyes aren't filling with tears. It might be easier if he was visibly breaking, if the fucking ache in his chest did anything to his face that anyone would recognize as hurt, but he's never been any good at expressing emotions like a normal human being, and his face stays tense and blank. He doesn't make eye contact, talking to Rin and staring at his hand on the boy's shoulder.]

Senpai knew exactly what he was doing when he adopted you. He knew Satan would come for you. We both [he pauses, loses a few seconds to a clenched jaw and the tightness in his throat] knew the risks of having you two around.

If we weren't-- if senpai wasn't willing to accept that, you and Yukio would have been killed. [That was always an option, from the moment the twins were born to the moment before Shiro died.] He made that decision every day of your lives.

[Rin flinches when Stein's hand drops onto his shoulder. He was expecting a punch, a slap, anything like that. Sure, Stein and Shiro had never really hit him before, but this was serious. This warranted a sharp reaction like that.

But that hit never came, and instead Stein barely kept his voice steady as he talked and Rin could practically hear the blood rushing in his ears as he listens to what Stein has to say. He barely holds himself together, and by the end of it he can't help but have another emotional outburst.]

But why? If you two knew what we were, if you knew Satan would come for us, why did you do it? Why did you save us?!

Do you really think Shiro could have killed a child? [Stein's motives were less novel, more of an ultimatum given by Shiro, a "I'm keeping them, you can stay or not".

Truthfully, he's never really understood the man's motives.]

I don't know. Did I even really know him? Or you, or even Yukio? I didn't even know any of you were exorcists until after he died! You guys have been keeping all these secrets from me, and I don't know what's true anymore!

[Another frustration there: that he had been left in the dark about all of this. It's probably for the best, he wouldn't have been able to handle it when he was younger, but that doesn't mean he's not wondering how much of his life was a lie.]

What happened when you received your mashou? [Stein's voice stays flat but his grip on Rin's shoulder is too tight.

He'd argued with Shiro about that, insisted on letting Rin see demons, on letting the boy into this life. But Shiro's concern that awakening any of Rin's demonic heritage would awaken all of it had won out, and the paladin was right all along. Shiro was usually right.]

What? I dunno, I- I don't really remember-

[But he is hissing in pain and trying to pull away from Stein now. Even with his demon-fast healing, that stuff still hurts.]

[He should notice, he should realize he's hurting the boy in front of him (his son) but it doesn't really register on more than a factual level, doesn't sink in enough for him to let go.]

Did you just happily go on seeing demons for months without anything else happening, or did your demonic heritage awaken within a few days?

[Now Rin is starting to get a little scared. Stein has never been like this before, and anything even close to it has never been directed at him. Stein had been serious before, but never anything like this.

It's frightening, to see such a gentle person (or at least, Rin has always known him to be gentle) suddenly act so differently.]

No! It was all in one day! And it wasn't happy, it freaked me out! As soon as I could see 'em they were saying shit about 'Satan's son' and chasing after me!

[He's pulling harder now, trying to yank his shoulder out of Stein's grasp. He's even got his own hand over Stein's, trying to pry it off.]

C'mon Dad, that hurts!

[It's Rin's yelp of pain (he's heard that before, patching up scraped knees and split lips) that finally sinks in, finally startles Stein into actually recognizing him (not that he didn't before, but this is more, this is his parental instincts finally kicking in). He lets go and takes a step back, olive green eyes wide with a sort of startled confusion. That smooths over fairly quickly, but he's far more present than he was a moment earlier.]

Sorry, Rin. Are you all right?

[And he'll wait to get an answer before picking up the dropped thread of his explanation.]

No, I'm not alright! None of us are!

[He means himself, Yukio, and Stein. Nobody is alright. All of them have a Shiro-shaped hole in their hearts and nobody wants to talk about it.

Rin is holding his shoulder, not so much because of any pain (it's already healing, bruises go away quickly) but moreso because he can't believe that just happened. Stein is never that rough.]

Just- just talk to me, okay? I-I can't keep doing this, acting like everything's okay when it's not. Yukio hasn't even cried, did you know that? He just smiles and acts like everything's okay, but it's not! And you're doing the 'I have no feelings' thing again too, I can tell you are!

[The kid's always been perceptive, despite his overly enthusiastic personality, and of course he's right. He's right about no one being all right, he's right about Stein, and he's probably right about Yukio.

Stein glances away from Rin, and his gaze settles on Shiro's grave marker for a long moment. None of them were ready for this. None of them could have been ready for this.]

Then let's talk.

[Nothing waits until you're ready.]

Not here though. [He glances back at Rin, tired, but with a hint of amusement (at least it's actual amusement, rather than Yukio's forced smiles).] I feel like senpai's ghost is judging my parenting skills.

[That genuine bit of amusement is probably what saves Stein from being yelled at again. Rin starts to raise his heckles at that moment, but stops himself short before speaking.]

Well he's probably judging all of us. I didn't think he'd be the smart dad, but...yeah.

[Rin loves Shiro very much, but...yeah Stein is smarter. There's no contest there.]

Lead the way, old man.

[Stein doesn't feel like the smart dad right now. He just feels like the only one still alive. He feels like the dad who's struggling to stay afloat. He has to focus and figure out what to say to Rin.

It takes a while to get to their destination from the graveyard, and as they walk Stein lights up a cigarette so he can pretend to have a reason not to say anything yet.

His apartment (technically, a condo, since he does own the place) is exactly where it always has been, though it's been a few years since there's been any reason for the boys to come over. It hasn't changed.]

[Yeah, they always just hung out at the church or other places when they did family things. It always felt weird intruding on Stein's space anyway.]

This place looks the same as it did the last time I was here.

[You need to put up a fresh coat of paint sometime, Stein.

Though Rin is curious now, and he's glancing around to see if there's any sign of Shiro's presence in Stein's life. Pictures, crap hung up on the wall, whatever. Some sign that Shiro did exist, and that he did matter to Stein.]

[Rin's comment gets a little bit of a smile from Stein, not a laugh or anything really like amusement, but at least a sign that he's heard.]

It looks the same as the first time you were here. I don't think I've moved anything since I moved in. [He doesn't have many photos at all, at least not in the main room. A couch, a coffee table, a low book shelf with a variety of history and science books in Japanese, that's about it (the bookshelf has what are probably exorcist-related tools on it, a rock carved with a simple symbol, a small shed raindeer antler, and a little porcelain container). He hasn't taken many steps to make anyone comfortable or welcome here. He doesn't get many visitors.]

Right. Where do you want to start?

[Right. Talking is happening, it's supposed to be happening.

But that walk gave Rin time to calm down, and he's not crying or emotional anymore. He's actually a little drained now, and he's almost ready to avoid the topic of 'dead dads' all together. But there's just enough left in him to start talking about it again, so he will.]

Are you an exorcist too?

[That seems like a good spot to start, especially since Stein has all that weird shit on his bookshelf. Shiro and Yukio are exorcists too, so maybe it's a family thing.

He reaches out to pick up that rock, by the way, because he wants to look at the symbol more closely.]

I am. [And since they're talking about dead dads...] Senpai and I actually met on my first day of cram school, he got in trouble for smoking in class and I stabbed him with a pencil. [Fond memories.]

That rock is inscribed with the symbol for the sun goddess Beaivi. [The sun, and sanity.] Her daughter is a goddess of medicine, and she was the first demon I summoned. [Beaivi-nieida is still his main familiar, all these years later, and they're closely linked enough that the little reindeer girl will show up in the apartment if he says her name.]

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SAD FAMILY

not old men just one (1) sad old man

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