backyardbbq | Time for SMOOCHES (open CMO post)

[A broad question. How does Stein deal with what? With the sun, with the desert, with the constant chattering of overexcited teenagers, with the existence of Marie in his space again.]

Which part? [Stein's considering picking up smoking again to deal with at least some of the stress.]

How loud it is.

[That's...probably not the best explanation for what Shiro means, it isn't particularly loud (outside of moments where Marie yells or Black Star gets too excited). But those are the only words he has to describe it.

He reaches up to pull the brim of his floppy hat down, covering his face and ears a bit more.]

They never stop making noise. Talking, walking, eating, doing stuff. They even make noise in their sleep, half of them snore. It's loud, all the time.

[It's not the actual volume he's talking about, but just the constant presence of people around him. Their existence is loud to him.

Back in the labs, when he wasn't being experimented on, he was left in a quiet room with only the other clones, most of whom just laid on their bed quietly until something else happened. Shiro never saw them as 'another presence' like he does with everyone here, and it's sometimes overwhelming to be around them.]

You'll get used to it. [Maybe. Stein isn't an expert in any kind of psychological development. But Shiro hasn't struck him as the kind of specimen who'll die when removed from his environment.]

Just remember that they're not doing it to annoy you, they're just trying to be themselves.

[Shiro is far from that. Once he has time to actually grow and learn, he's going to thrive in the world outside of Asylum. He's just reluctant to do any growing right now, as evidenced by his sullen look.]

It's loud. Louder than my brothers and sisters. Louder than the scientists.

...

But I guess it's not bad. It's better than quiet.

They've never had a reason to be quiet. [Shiro, of course, has had a lot of reasons to be quiet, to be silent, to not take up space.]

They're probably all wondering why you're being so quiet, maybe you should learn to be louder.

[Be louder, hmm?]

That's stupid. You can't hear footsteps if you're loud. If you can't hear footsteps, then you can't know who's coming.

[He still knows all of the scientists by their gait and how heavily they stepped when they walked. He knew which footsteps weren't so bad, and which ones to hide from.

He knew which footsteps only brought death.

Shiro doesn't even realize it, but he's gripped the brim of his large floppy hat and pulled the sides down, covering his face a bit more as dark thoughts stew in his mind.]

Whose footsteps are you listening for here, Shiro? [It's clearly an old habit, and one the boy needs to think about breaking. He needs to really realize his position.]

Edited 2018-11-10 06:28 (UTC)

...

[Whose indeed. Who out here would bring harm to him? And conversely, the ones who would harm him aren't the ones who can be heard.]

Nobody, I guess.

[Empty space stretches away for hundreds of miles around them, a distance broken only by brush and twisted trees and the occasional grey-brown lump of a grazing kangaroo. Nobody (nobody human) is going to be able to sneak up on them easily.

And everyone here is too loud for Shiro to need to listen for the sound of uniform shoes on tiled floors.]

For what it's worth, you're doing well so far. There are a lot of changes taking place in your life, and it's going to take time.

Sometimes you can't fix what's broken.

[It's muttered under his breath, but Stein can probably hear it. Shiro's never going to be normal, he knows that much. But sometimes he watches Maka and Soul and Kid and the others, and he's left wondering what their lives were like, and why his was so different. Or hell, if he can even be a part of this life.

He's broken, and he knows it. A shattered person who probably is better off dead, because he doesn't know how he's going to get even close to 'normal'. And it's a little distressing to think about.]

You've been out for less than three months. [Stein hears that mutter, and raises an important point.]

Don't call yourself broken until you've been out in the world for at least eighteen years.

[Shiro doesn't have a response for that, really. Because even if Stein is saying that, he can't believe it himself. He's never known any life except the labs, and a couple months afterwards. How could he hope to ever be normal? He'll be older than Stein is now by the time he's had eighteen years of freedom. Will he even live that long?

But what other choice does he have? Despite how morose he gets at times, he doesn't actually want to die. He just wants to forget, and maybe then he can actually smile.

This isn't something he's going to voice to Stein, though. He's still working on the whole 'trust' thing, and even though some progress has been made there are still thoughts he keeps to himself. Like this one.

So instead of saying anything back, he's just going to move to walk back to the house. If Stein doesn't stop him, he'll go into his room and lay stomach-down on the bed and stare at the wall for a couple hours. He's not sleeping, but he's used to laying awake for long stretches of time, and without the straps holding him down like they did in Asylum it's actually pretty comforting. It's not something new either, he's done it before when he just wants to be alone.

If he's left uninterrupted, he'll show up around dinnertime with no comment about where he has been.]

[Shiro won't have to come down for dinner, there's a knock at his door a little before then.]

Shiro? Are you in there? [Here she is, the high energy blast of sunshine that is Marie, knocking on his door and waiting outside for a response or a reaction. She doesn't just burst in on any of the kids (that would be rude).]

Time for SMOOCHES (open CMO post)

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digging through ancient psls as i clear my inbox to start the new decade